Thursday, April 22, 2010

An Imperative List of Five Things About Which to Be Happy Today

Crunch time. End of the semester. I remember this feeling; it's exhilarating and terrifying and you feel alive but you just want to sleep a lot. Stressful.

Money's tight. I've been a broke college student before, but never when I had Real bills to pay. We've been in worse situations though.. I try to keep reminding myself of that. It's been way worse.

Our fridge broke. My boys say they can fix it.. they say they can fix anything. They're pretty good at fixing things, but I'm still freaked out about not being able to buy milk or eggs or anything else that needs to go into the refrigerator. My new-old car needs a new-old part that no-one seems to have. Because we signed a six-month contract, we're still having to pay for the new-old television that broke while we were renting it. The six months are up, but our last bill is still due. That bill became low priority after a long round of "It's your problem.. I mean, yes we'll fix it no we won't yes we will okay pay us a lot of money and no we won't." We were actually supposed to go take care of that today - pay the last bill and give them back their stupid gigantic tv that's too big for our living room anyway but the Man likes his big tv so we'll probably end up with another stupid gigantic tv one of these days anyway. So, we were supposed to do that today, but there were some last-minute plan changes. I don't do well with last-minute plan changes. They make me remember everything else that there is to worry about. Like the fridge. And finals. (Because I'm so likely to forget about those things if I pay a bill I don't even want to pay.)

So I'm trying to think of things that make me un-stressed. That's not easy because I'm in a foul stormy mood today, the stubborn kind that means that even when Eric is being patient and adorable, I'm not going to give him more than a half-smile because I'm busy being sulky. The kind of mood that must necessarily go away by the end of the day because if it doesn't, he'll stop trying to make me smile. That's the first thing on my nice list today. He tries really hard to make me smile. All the time. Even when I think I don't want to smile.

He's out trying to find the elusive part for my car right now (which was not on our list of things to-do to-day and is a part of the last-minute plan changes). Even I in my grouchyness have to admit that at least he's not still in bed and he's doing a pretty good job of managing stuff. Even if I think I'm a better manager of stuff. Because I make lists. Lists are comforting. That's #2.

Also. When I look out any of the windows I can see from my seat right now, all I see is green. Well, green or porch. But the big window in the living room? Dappled light, pretty shadows. A big tree with big leaves, grass that desperately needs to be cut.. but you can't really tell about the grass from that window because of the sheers. We can't see the neighbors from any of our windows. Only our peaceful little corner of the world. That's #3.

Our puppy Casper loves the overgrown yard. He has to 'swim' through the big patches of clover. He thinks that eating wildflowers is the coolest. thing. ever. Next to the game where Mommy sweeps and Puppy chases all the stuff that goes flying across the room.. that one's pretty awesome too. My puppy is #4, but the list isn't really in order. Sometimes Casper is #1. He won't look like a puppy much longer.. his body is filling out and he's growing into his legs.. but I think he'll act like a puppy for awhile yet. Today Eric pretended to hit my foot and I pretended to cry to see what Casper would do. He looked confused about what he was supposed to do and he licked my face. The cat wasn't so passive.. she jumped down from her perch in the window and stalked across the room as if she intended to put an end to this nonsense RIGHT. NOW. My little guard Boo.

She and Casper are starting to be sort-of friends. Frenemies? Nevermind, I hate that word. A few days ago, they played for hours chasing each other around the house. Last night for the first time, Boo slept on the blanket where Casper was sleeping. I don't think she'll start sleeping beside him all the time - right now she's in her normal place on the back of a chair looking out of the window. She's #5 on my list but she's tied right there with Casper. She won't be a kitten much longer, either, but she's the sweetest kitten I've ever had. I still can't believe she came home after she ran away for five whole days after we'd only had her for a week. HER favorite game is watching the toilet fill up with water after one of the People flushes it for her. Because obviously anytime one of us flushes the toilet, it's just so Kitty can watch it fill back up. Obviously.

I have a lot to be happy about. I have a lot to worry about.. writing this was a long exercise in procrastination. But now I have a List of Things That (Should) Make Me Happy Today. I have to follow the List; it's an imperative. And so.. I go.

Monday, March 22, 2010


Coming from an extremely conservative background, I shouldn't be surprised that so many of my friends are upset about the healthcare reform legislation that passed last night. I went to a Baptist college. I live in Mississippi. I'm hearing a lot of "end of the world" type of talk. A lot.

I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. Maybe it's because I tend to shy away from politics. This also is not surprising - my stepfather is one of the most militantly conservative Republicans I've ever come across, and pretty much the only tv allowed in our house was either a Sunday morning televised sermon or Fox News. My step-dad would despise my politics, if we were to talk about them. I avoid the subject as much as possible when I go home.

It's not the opposition to the healthcare bill that really surprises me. I understand the criticisms of the bill. It's the vehement way that my friends are saying that no good can come of this. No good? My part-time job does in fact offer a healthcare plan. The premiums are around $500 a month. The deductible is $5000 a year. We don't spend anywhere near $5000 on doctor visits a year right now.. we couldn't. We can't. I'm afraid all the time about what would happen if one of us were to be seriously ill. Eric had a bad sinus infection earlier this winter and we had to borrow money just so he could get antibiotics. What if it had been worse? What would we do? At least now we'll get an option.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't fully understand the healthcare bill. But you know what? I bet my friends don't either. I know that it's easy to idealize something you don't fully understand. But from the way I see it, it's easier to fear what we don't understand. Be hopeful and generous of spirit rather than fearful and suspicious. Politics are really irrelevant anyway.

Friday, March 19, 2010

My bad

Wow.. I should've known better than to start a blog right before the beginning of my first semester in four years.

Actually, a big part of my lack of updating (prepare yourself, this is a really lame excuse) is that I can't find the USB cable for my digital camera. I had a nice Welcome-to-Spring post ready, complete with a picture of Eric stabbing a snowman. I have an 'I won a contest!' post, but really, you have to see this belt to believe it. I also have an I'm-newly-blond-and-have-new-glasses post waiting. Not to mention the "We bought a puppy!!" post. But trust me. You're going to want to see this little guy.

I know the cable is here somewhere, but we're still doing a lot of rearranging and settling. Does it normally take this long to "move in" to a place you've already lived for two years?

By the way, as of midterms I have all As! In fact, in my ethics class so far my lowest grade is a 97. No joke. I still get a little freaked out by the work load, but it's Spring Break so I have a chance to get ahead a little.

Yeah, I turned into that student who does homework during Spring Break.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Our Tree

I relate a lot of the things that happen to me to what a younger version of myself would have thought about whatever is happening. Sometimes it's wearing an outfit I would've admired but not been brave enough to wear (actually that happens a lot lately - I've really defined and expanded my personal style over the past year). Sometimes it's seeing how far I've come. Sometimes it's the realization of a new lesson in life. And I'll be honest.. sometimes it's wanting to go back and show off a little - You'll never believe this shit.. We're finally able to convince people that we're grownups!!

Whatever the reason-de-jour, I think about little-me a lot. The thirteen-year-old version of Amy would be very impressed with our life right now. Trust. Not long ago, it occurred to me that 13-year-old Amy is also HALF-MY-AGE Amy. Like.. really truly one-half of my life has happened since I was thirteen.. When the fuck did that happen? Oh right. Over the past thirteen-or-so years.

Life's a little different than I thought it would turn out back then. I didn't end up with any of the shaggy-haired skateboard boys I crushed on back then.. I ended up with a shaggy-haired skateboard boy I crush on NOW. (We're far too sensible to ride skateboards now - I'm not saying we're old, but I do know that things ache now that never did before. Besides, we have cars and that wins.)

Once in awhile I think that maybe the 90s would have been SO MUCH COOLER if I had been more aware at the time of .. well, how cool the 90s were. Or maybe knowing would have ruined it.

Or maybe, maybe ... we just knew all along.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

My First Re-Blog

I'm trying to figure out this whole linkback thing. I think I did it right.. let's hit Post and see!


Found at Milk, taken from imgfave

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I want to be the girl with the most cake

My life hasn't been "normal". I've never been "normal".
I've always been an in-between
not fat not thin
too smart but never studied enough
driven but a little lazy
quirky but not brave enough
narcissistic and insecure .

I've done a lot of drugs.

I have a beautiful life with a wonderful man and HE GETS ME.
He's weird. Like me.
He's weird like me.
We're making it stable. Comfortable.

I have this growing need to fuck up.
Nothing irreversible but I have to let go.

I smoke because it's the only thing that turns me off at the end of the day.
I have a hard time just
Stopping to be.
Living in the moment.

Today I'm enamored with Courtney Love.
I wore an awesome 90s grunge outfit and bought some perfect Courtney-Love-Red lipstick.
I decided to bleach my hair again.
(I was considering this before my pervasive love for the 90s reared its head again)
(but it definitely played a factor in picking up the bottles of bleach today)

We talked today about doing heroin for the first time.
We romanticize ugly things.

I just need to break free, do something new, forget the normal for a little while.

All I want is a normal life
to be his wife
to pay our bills
have his babies
and once in awhile
every once in awhile

to just
fuck it.

"I want to be the girl with the most cake."

Just want to shake myself up a little.
fuck complacency.

I'm SO FUCKING PROUD of myself
I'm doing really well in school.
My job makes me happy.
Our house makes me happy.
Cooking dinner makes me happy.

I struggle with spontaneity.
I'm a creature of habit. I crave schedule, planning, lists.

We might/may be/possibly are going to Bonnaroo this summer. I'm holding on to it with everything I've got.
I. Need. Something. New.

and yet I feel that I finally have the understanding to know that this desire
is not to lose what I have
but to expound upon it.
make it more.

(PS I don't think we're actually planning on doing heroin. Romanticizing drugs is a part of our lives and it always has been. It will always be a struggle to overcome these feelings. We don't always overcome them.. I can't lie about that. But we haven't done anything stupid for a really long time. Sometimes, when you live the life we've lived.. you just want to do something stupid. Need. To do something stupid.)

(This was not the direction I had in mind for this blog, but I want to post here and this is what's on my mind today. We're two ex-addicts making our beautiful life together. And winter is stretching on for so long.. I think the craving for spring exacerbates the desire for change, and yes, that change could take on negative connotations but rebirth is beautiful - even the hard ugly ones, if you take the time to find the truth, wisdom, and beauty that come from these experiences. I don't recommend drugs to anyone, but I also don't understand why some of us are drawn to that life from the first time we're aware of it. I was. He was. No matter what happens, our beautiful life is our priority. But it's hard to be responsible all the time when you're so used to being a fuckup. We're still figuring it out, and THAT is the point of this blog. It's me figuring out how to be a grownup... and my approach to that is necessarily different from those of people who maybe didn't make the detrimental decisions I've made. Honesty and openness are crucial to me, and so maybe I won't invite my parents to read this blog, but I hope someone will find it and will relate to it and I won't just be talking to empty space.)

Friday, February 12, 2010

New blog, new possibilities ..

It's always nice to start writing on a fresh sheet of paper. The handwriting mistakes from the previous page don't matter anymore - suddenly your hand is steadier, your letters shaped more evenly than the bottom of the page before.

This is not my first blog. I've decided not to import all of the old entries because this is a fresh new page in my book, and anyway if I wanted to build on those I'd just be writing on one of my old blogs. (They used to be called online journals, thank you.) Besides, I sort of have a vision for this one. A direction. Maybe none of my old blogs had a direction because my life didn't really have a direction. It's not that I have it all figured out now, because ohmygod I don't. There are still some pretty big unanswered questions (what the hell do I want to do with my life?), but at least now I think I know what the questions are.

I've missed having a creative outlet. The last blog I wrote on regularly was my MySpace blog, but who even uses that anymore? I have too much going on in my life to not have a place to share, and with so many new beginnings - we're buying a house and I'm back in school for the first time in four years! - it just seems right to start something fresh. I can see job interviews, remodeling, and maybe even babies in the future. I'm trying to learn to be stable and responsible. I'm not always very good at it, but trust - I am not the trainwreck I used to be. I'm a little more boring and a lot happier, a little bit fatter and a MUCH better cook.

So here's to you, fresh start. And while we're at it, maybe our positive attitude will encourage spring to show up. It's about time.