My First Re-Blog

I'm trying to figure out this whole linkback thing. I think I did it right.. let's hit Post and see!

Found at Milk, taken from imgfave

I want to be the girl with the most cake

My life hasn't been "normal". I've never been "normal".
I've always been an in-between
not fat not thin
too smart but never studied enough
driven but a little lazy
quirky but not brave enough
narcissistic and insecure .

I've done a lot of drugs.

I have a beautiful life with a wonderful man and HE GETS ME.
He's weird. Like me.
He's weird like me.
We're making it stable. Comfortable.

And
I have this growing need to fuck up.
Nothing irreversible but I have to let go.

I smoke because it's the only thing that turns me off at the end of the day.
I have a hard time just
being.
Stopping to be.
Living in the moment.

Today I'm enamored with Courtney Love.
I wore an awesome 90s grunge outfit and bought some perfect Courtney-Love-Red lipstick.
I decided to bleach my hair again.
(I was considering this before my pervasive love for the 90s reared its head again)
(but it definitely played a factor in picking up the bottles of bleach today)

We talked today about doing heroin for the first time.
We romanticize ugly things.

I just need to break free, do something new, forget the normal for a little while.

All I want is a normal life
to be his wife
to pay our bills
have his babies
and once in awhile
every once in awhile

to just
say
fuck it.

"I want to be the girl with the most cake."

Just want to shake myself up a little.
fuck complacency.

I'm SO FUCKING PROUD of myself
I'm doing really well in school.
My job makes me happy.
Our house makes me happy.
Cooking dinner makes me happy.

I struggle with spontaneity.
I'm a creature of habit. I crave schedule, planning, lists.

We might/may be/possibly are going to Bonnaroo this summer. I'm holding on to it with everything I've got.
I. Need. Something. New.

and yet I feel that I finally have the understanding to know that this desire
is not to lose what I have
but to expound upon it.
make it more.
More.

(PS I don't think we're actually planning on doing heroin. Romanticizing drugs is a part of our lives and it always has been. It will always be a struggle to overcome these feelings. We don't always overcome them.. I can't lie about that. But we haven't done anything stupid for a really long time. Sometimes, when you live the life we've lived.. you just want to do something stupid. Need. To do something stupid.)



(This was not the direction I had in mind for this blog, but I want to post here and this is what's on my mind today. We're two ex-addicts making our beautiful life together. And winter is stretching on for so long.. I think the craving for spring exacerbates the desire for change, and yes, that change could take on negative connotations but rebirth is beautiful - even the hard ugly ones, if you take the time to find the truth, wisdom, and beauty that come from these experiences. I don't recommend drugs to anyone, but I also don't understand why some of us are drawn to that life from the first time we're aware of it. I was. He was. No matter what happens, our beautiful life is our priority. But it's hard to be responsible all the time when you're so used to being a fuckup. We're still figuring it out, and THAT is the point of this blog. It's me figuring out how to be a grownup... and my approach to that is necessarily different from those of people who maybe didn't make the detrimental decisions I've made. Honesty and openness are crucial to me, and so maybe I won't invite my parents to read this blog, but I hope someone will find it and will relate to it and I won't just be talking to empty space.)

New blog, new possibilities ..

It's always nice to start writing on a fresh sheet of paper. The handwriting mistakes from the previous page don't matter anymore - suddenly your hand is steadier, your letters shaped more evenly than the bottom of the page before.

This is not my first blog. I've decided not to import all of the old entries because this is a fresh new page in my book, and anyway if I wanted to build on those I'd just be writing on one of my old blogs. (They used to be called online journals, thank you.) Besides, I sort of have a vision for this one. A direction. Maybe none of my old blogs had a direction because my life didn't really have a direction. It's not that I have it all figured out now, because ohmygod I don't. There are still some pretty big unanswered questions (what the hell do I want to do with my life?), but at least now I think I know what the questions are.

I've missed having a creative outlet. The last blog I wrote on regularly was my MySpace blog, but who even uses that anymore? I have too much going on in my life to not have a place to share, and with so many new beginnings - we're buying a house and I'm back in school for the first time in four years! - it just seems right to start something fresh. I can see job interviews, remodeling, and maybe even babies in the future. I'm trying to learn to be stable and responsible. I'm not always very good at it, but trust - I am not the trainwreck I used to be. I'm a little more boring and a lot happier, a little bit fatter and a MUCH better cook.

So here's to you, fresh start. And while we're at it, maybe our positive attitude will encourage spring to show up. It's about time.