I want to be the girl with the most cake

My life hasn't been "normal". I've never been "normal".
I've always been an in-between
not fat not thin
too smart but never studied enough
driven but a little lazy
quirky but not brave enough
narcissistic and insecure .

I've done a lot of drugs.

I have a beautiful life with a wonderful man and HE GETS ME.
He's weird. Like me.
He's weird like me.
We're making it stable. Comfortable.

And
I have this growing need to fuck up.
Nothing irreversible but I have to let go.

I smoke because it's the only thing that turns me off at the end of the day.
I have a hard time just
being.
Stopping to be.
Living in the moment.

Today I'm enamored with Courtney Love.
I wore an awesome 90s grunge outfit and bought some perfect Courtney-Love-Red lipstick.
I decided to bleach my hair again.
(I was considering this before my pervasive love for the 90s reared its head again)
(but it definitely played a factor in picking up the bottles of bleach today)

We talked today about doing heroin for the first time.
We romanticize ugly things.

I just need to break free, do something new, forget the normal for a little while.

All I want is a normal life
to be his wife
to pay our bills
have his babies
and once in awhile
every once in awhile

to just
say
fuck it.

"I want to be the girl with the most cake."

Just want to shake myself up a little.
fuck complacency.

I'm SO FUCKING PROUD of myself
I'm doing really well in school.
My job makes me happy.
Our house makes me happy.
Cooking dinner makes me happy.

I struggle with spontaneity.
I'm a creature of habit. I crave schedule, planning, lists.

We might/may be/possibly are going to Bonnaroo this summer. I'm holding on to it with everything I've got.
I. Need. Something. New.

and yet I feel that I finally have the understanding to know that this desire
is not to lose what I have
but to expound upon it.
make it more.
More.

(PS I don't think we're actually planning on doing heroin. Romanticizing drugs is a part of our lives and it always has been. It will always be a struggle to overcome these feelings. We don't always overcome them.. I can't lie about that. But we haven't done anything stupid for a really long time. Sometimes, when you live the life we've lived.. you just want to do something stupid. Need. To do something stupid.)



(This was not the direction I had in mind for this blog, but I want to post here and this is what's on my mind today. We're two ex-addicts making our beautiful life together. And winter is stretching on for so long.. I think the craving for spring exacerbates the desire for change, and yes, that change could take on negative connotations but rebirth is beautiful - even the hard ugly ones, if you take the time to find the truth, wisdom, and beauty that come from these experiences. I don't recommend drugs to anyone, but I also don't understand why some of us are drawn to that life from the first time we're aware of it. I was. He was. No matter what happens, our beautiful life is our priority. But it's hard to be responsible all the time when you're so used to being a fuckup. We're still figuring it out, and THAT is the point of this blog. It's me figuring out how to be a grownup... and my approach to that is necessarily different from those of people who maybe didn't make the detrimental decisions I've made. Honesty and openness are crucial to me, and so maybe I won't invite my parents to read this blog, but I hope someone will find it and will relate to it and I won't just be talking to empty space.)